The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
