Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
