Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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