Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize