watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
