I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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