Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Randomize
