I'm going to jail i love you
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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