there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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