Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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