I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
