____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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