My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
meet me or not, i'm out of control
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
