meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
