His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Randomize
