Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Randomize
