So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
