my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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