tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
