Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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