Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
