Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
