After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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