what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize