Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
