It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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