So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
