My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
