just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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