I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize