he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
