In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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