Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
