My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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