you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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