there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
