Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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