So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize