she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
