there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
