Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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