Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
