I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
