Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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