There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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