Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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