that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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