it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
