Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
