The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
