I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
