Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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