Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
