I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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