omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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