it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
