I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
And then the night went full on bisexual.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize