I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
