i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
