Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
